[gifset by karazrel]
[by 01091006]
This 2016 fic has 32 chapters, 104,945 words but it's worth every second spent reading it!
My Summary --
The story of Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes told in first person singular by Bucky Barnes, former Winter Soldier. If that's not unusual enough for a fanfic, this story is also not afraid to go to dark places and examine the true cost for all concerned of Steve Rogers' heroism. It's the support system around the superhero who pays the price for the hero's success, glory and ambition. And Bucky has paid the heaviest price of all. What did Bucky's love for and protection of Steve cost him? Everything.
So not only is the shine off Steve, but Bucky is presented as his deeply wounded self. Free now of Hydra's control, he nevertheless remains a cold-blooded killer without remorse or guilt. He slaughters indiscriminately to protect Steve so that Steve can be the superhero who everyone needs to save the world.
Steve, Sam and Bucky have to escape Wakanda and go on the run, pursued by the vengeance of MODOK. Trying to get to North America, they end up in northern Russia, old stomping grounds for the Winter Soldier. He enlists the help of a trusted former Hydra torturer and surgeon to get them across the Pacific Ocean. In a final showdown with MODOK, Bucky does the unthinkable and, more importantly, the unpredictable in order to defeat the enhanced villain.
Excerpt (Ch. 17) --
Steve purses his lips, and gazes up at me. “It’s not the kid I don’t like. Well, to be honest, I don’t trust him either. I don’t want to be around her.”
I frown. “We can trust Lidiya.”
He sighs and gives me those earnest blue eyes. “Buck—it’s not a matter of trust. It’s that she tortured you. She’s HYDRA, and whether you see it that way or not, she tortured you. She was one of your doctors, and honestly—it took about everything I had not to throw her in the ocean the one time I had to be alone with her. So—you can pass on our regards, but we’ll be fine down here with our MREs.”
I just roll my eyes, and head towards the stairs. “Suit yourself. Boat leaves tomorrow at 08:00.”
“I can hear you thinking,” Lidiya murmurs against my shoulder.
We are laying in her bed. She is curled around me. The sex was incredible. I’ve never been with another woman her age. She knows what the hell she’s doing. The first woman I was ever with was older too. I can remember that now, and so much more.
I’m not sure what to say to her. Fucking Steve. I wish he knew how to keep his mouth shut sometimes. Like it isn’t hard enough for me to function.
“Did you ever feel bad?” I ask abruptly.
She lifts her head a few inches. “About what?”
“About what you did to me.”
I look at her in the dark, and she looks at me. After a moment, she shakes her head. “No. It was war. We did what we had to. You were our weapon. You were a man, but you were the weapon first. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have left the project. I just would have done all I could to make you even more vicious than you already were.”
At least she’s honest. She doesn’t lie to me, and her feelings don’t get hurt.
“Do you feel bad?” she asks. “About the things we made you do?”
I shrug. “If I ever started to feel bad about the things I did for HYDRA, I’d have to kill myself. You all programmed me for survival so deep that I just don’t think about it. Or feel it.”
“For the best,” Lidiya says, and lays back down on my shoulder. I hold her close and shut my eyes.
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